Movie Review: Baywatch

Grab your watercrafts and crackers, folks! We’re on our way to CheesyTown, and the first stop is Emerald Bay. To begin, let’s get one thing out of the way, you needn’t be a seasoned Baywatch vet to enjoy the new big-screen incarnation. Being born pre-1989 is not a prerequisite to claim your love for The Bay. Will it help? Perhaps, from a nostalgia standpoint. The same level of cheese is spread thick in both the time-honored show and the brand-new film. The jokes will be new, though. And there is a heck of a lot more pubic and genitalia humor, thanks to the R-rating they’ve procured this time around.

But Baywatch isn’t the kind of post-TV show reboot that mandates hours of binge-watching several syndicated seasons worth of plot to understand what’s going on in the subsequent film. Nope; no need. Do you enjoy jiggling body parts? Can you identify a bronze, sweaty appendage running at you in slow-motion? Have you ever cracked a case along with Shaggy and Scooby-Doo—or, at the very least, had fun doing it?

Good. Moving on.

Right off the bat, we’re treated to a sunny shoreline of crashing waves, glistening bods, and a gaudy sequence of ridiculous, Day-Glo graphics amidst a menacing frenzy of sharks. We know we’re in for some fun the moment Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson) casually whips off his sunglasses, gives the “look,” and dives straight into danger. Something’s about to go down, and we’re along for the ride. Viewers are immediately immersed in a soundtrack mash-up of perky, beachy oldies and the thump of some poppy bass. It’s the perfect mix for some muscle-bound meets chic-lit adventure.

Mitch, also affectionately known (only to himself) as “Lieutenant,” is the well-loved head honcho at the beach. Well, him and those rascally beach cops we eventually get to know. We soon learn that Mitch—along with his “family” of swimmer-saving, crime-fighting, deeply tan hot women—is recruiting new lifeguards this summer. Already joined by Stephanie (Ilfenesh Hadera) and C.J. (Kelly Rohrback), the trio is looking for a new bronzed god or goddess to add to the mix. A major spectator sport every year, Emerald Bay is holding its annual try-outs. Amongst the competitors is Matt Brody (Zac Efron), a Ryan Lochte-esque Olympic swimmer “bad boy” who needs to learn a lesson or seven before his heart can be set on the right path. He proves his worth by flexing every cell in his body whilst crushing an American Ninja Warrior-type obstacle course, followed by promptly losing to Mitch in a head-on-head contest.

Ronnie, the token goofball with a penchant for hacking, is affectionately played by Jon Bass. Summer (Alexandra Daddario) is the athlete with a sassy mouth and a bouncy chest, as we are repeatedly reminded of via the blatant jokes regarding said bouncy chest.

But there needs to be a few bad guys, right? There are, and they’re the doofus, doting sidekicks to the supervillain bad “lady.” Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra)—the only woman in Emerald Bay who wears something other than a spandex swimsuit—is the spandex dress-wearing drug dealer with a murderous streak. Emerald Bay is falling apart, no thanks to Leeds’s dirty deeds, and Mitch’s gang of lifeguards is on the prowl to try and prove it.

Not into the shoddy crime-fighting plot? That’s okay; neither are the rest of us who see Baywatch for exactly what it is: roughly two hours of chiseled abs and unbelievable glutes and calves. Offended by gratuitous nudity? Meh; no worries. Many viewers will be shocked to find that the R rating for nudity is not of the bare boob variety, though there is a way-too-long (but, fine—stupidly funny) scene featuring a dead man’s private parts. Oh, and F-bombs? Tons of those. There are also plenty of fast vehicles (watercrafts, yachts, motorcycles, etc.), surfers, and a good dose of raunchy, self-aware humor.

But, you see, that’s what makes this movie so magical. The makers of and actors in Baywatch should not take themselves too seriously—and they don’t. This isn’t Oscar-worthy writing or acting. They know the “I know you are, but what am I” jokes can get stale—but I’m sure you’ll get some deep-down belly laughs out of this flick. What an irritatingly smart mix of funny, relevant-to-the-times (with some classic `Hoff throw-backs thrown in) quips and eye roll-inducing comebacks. Mitch insists on referring to Brody as every possible boy band member under the sun, instead of his real name; at one point, slyly calling him “High School Musical.”

While the special effects break up the monotony of crystal-clear waters and sand, they’re nothing to write home about. I guess everyone likes some cool fireworks though, right? But overall, Baywatch is pretty to look at. What’s more, the cast is a diverse one—a welcome improvement, which they make mention of several times (i.e., when a young beachgoer inquires whether Mitch is Batman when he saves the day, Mitch confirms, and adds “just bigger and browner”). Furthermore, the cast includes two hilarious, relatively unsung heroes: Hannibal Buress and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, who play Dave the Tech and Sergeant Ellerbee, respectively. Their parts were much too small for the laughter they produced.

Baywatch is silly; it’s a bit sleazy; it’s good-looking; and it’s fun. What more do you want? Because if you’re looking for the original Mitch and C.J., well, then—you’re in luck. You might sneak a peek of them, too.