CinemaNerdz

Ten Fake Spoilers for The Avengers Designed to Not Ruin the Movie

Dane Jackson

Initially, I was opposed to the concept of an Avengers movie. Sure, I wanted it to happen and I thought it would be a cool idea, but I honestly didn’t think anyone could pull it off. When you look at most superhero movies, the franchise starts off well enough, but then drops like a rock. The studios want to capitalize on the marketing power of the movies as they progress, so they force too many characters into subsequent movies to make sure they can squeeze the consumer for every last dollar. For example, even though I love Batman, look at the Joel Schumacher entries. They were horrible and at one point, we were “treated” to a movie that had Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze, and Bane – talk about overkill. So, when The Avengers was announced, I was worried it would be an overlong cash grab filled with merchandise and ridiculous endorsements.

But, a strange thing happened. First, Marvel set up origins with separate movies (more merchandising opportunities too, but at least the end result was supposed to be an Avengers film). Then, they got Joss Whedon on board to take care of the writing and directing duties. With the entire main cast returning from the individual flicks to the team-up flick, plus Whedon being involved, The Avengers had an excellent chance of being top-notch. So much so, I have been purposely avoiding additional TV Spots and spoilers. I want to walk into that theater and be wowed. Since the best way, in my opinion, to enjoy The Avengers will be to go into it unspoiled (as it were), I thought it would be fun to come up with some completely ridiculous spoilers for you to read in order to avoid any of the real spoilers lurking about the internet. You’ll thank me later.

So, here are ten things you may see in The Avengers this weekend….

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10.) Feeling insecure about his looks, Dr. Bruce Banner undergoes laser hair removal surgery to get rid of Hulk’s unsightly chest hair.

9.) Fans of Whedon’s Firefly series rejoice! That alien menace you keep seeing in the trailers? That’s right…they’re Reavers. Shiny!

8.) Seeing all the fighting between both political parties in Congress and during the 2012 Election season, Captain America asks to be frozen for another 60 years.

7.) Thor gets diagnosed with Alopecia and decides to actually wear his helmet.

6.) Black Widow. Two words: wardrobe malfunction

5.) Forgetting which movie he’s in, Samuel L. Jackson accidentally busts out Mace Windu’s purple lightsaber.

4.) Loki and Thor patch up their differences and set up a Step-Brothers reboot.

3.) Reed Richards, Ben Grimm, and Sue Richards show up and douse Captain America in gasoline and set him ablaze in hopes that he’ll remember he is, in fact, the Human Torch.

2.) Feeling like the fifth wheel of the group, Hawkeye moves out to the West Coast.

1.) The final credit of the film reads “Coming Soon: The Avengers 2 – written and directed by Joel Schumacher.”

Dane Jackson

Dane Jackson has been writing about movies since high school when he had a monthly column in the school paper about cult movies. His cinematic tastes have matured (slightly) since then.
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