CinemaNerdz

Movie Review: The Three Musketeers

Seth Paul

Early on in The Three Musketeers, a guard smirks at a captured Porthos (Ray Stevenson) and says, “For a man of your reputation, I expected better.” I guess, by now, it’s sort of a waste to say the same of Paul W.S. Anderson. His first major studio effort, Mortal Kombat (his first actual film was the low-budget Shopping with a then-mostly unknown Jude Law), though based on a video game, was a surprise success, thanks in part to its interesting visuals and decent enough acting, even if the plot was paper thin. Now he brings us The Three Musketeers, based on the Alexander Dumas classic. In the 16 years between this film and Mortal Kombat, what seems clear is that Anderson makes movies like car companies make concepts: every year they seem to get prettier, but after awhile people start noticing when there’s nothing of substance under the hood.

Athos (Matthew Macfadyen) is the de facto leader of the Musketeers, which also consists of former priest Aramis (Luke Evans) and brawn Porthos (Stevenson). When one of their missions goes terribly awry, they head into somewhat early retirement until a year later, when young D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) shows up looking to be a Musketeer himself. The foursome’s various antics are a constant source of annoyance to Cardinal Richelieu (Christoph Waltz), who has devious plans of his own to undermine the teenage King Louis the XIII of France (Freddie Fox) and establish himself as ruler of the country. So, when he sets a plan in motion to not only destroy the King, but also deal a severe blow to the English Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom), it’s up to the Musketeers to stop him. Of course, this also means dealing with a few other problems, including Athos’ former lover and apparent super spy Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich), D’Artagnan’s love for the Queen’s lady in waiting Constance (Gabriella Wilde), Richelieu’s one-eyed henchmen Rochefort (Mads Mikkelsen), and the King’s awkward attempts to romance the Queen (Juno Temple).

The term “based on” is incredibly loose in terms of faithfulness; here, we basically have five or six people named after characters from the book starring in a movie closer to Indiana Jones’ greatest hits. The Musketeers have gone from mere defenders of France to something akin to ninjas, replete with medieval scuba suits and wire teams that would make a Hong Kong action film blush. But the biggest offender by far is Jovovich, who apparently has been playing Alice in the Resident Evil series for so long that she’s forgotten how to do anything else. I understand suspension of disbelief, but when we’re expected to believe she can fly through the air wearing an 18th century corset and rappel from a rooftop Mission:Impossible-style, you’ve entered a realm of silliness that is hard to return from. And then we have the Da Vinci Ex Machina (which I have named because, as far as I can tell, the poor guy is now tied with World War II scientists for “most overused source of anachronistic technology” in modern fiction) in the form of airships…that is, actual sailing ships with giant balloons tied to them. If this hasn’t blown the needle way off the goofy meter for you at this point, you can probably watch this movie without face palming too much.

The film does have a few memorable highlights, such as the first sword fight between the Musketeers and the Cardinal’s troops (an action scene of great clarity and focus), lush scenery, and fine use of 3D technology (though Anderson definitely missed an opportunity to go ahead and call the movie The 3D Musketeers). As I said earlier, Anderson’s films do look better and better the more he makes, but it’s hard to enjoy the work the visual effects team does when Macfadyen sleepwalks his way through the film and one is too busy laughing at Jovovich leaping impossibly through a room full of razor wire. Waltz is good as Richelieu, and Lerman shows promise during the sword fighting, but much of what happens in-between those moments (which is a lot) relies too much on slapstick and unnecessary comedy. Perhaps the best moment of the film occurs when D’Artagnan and Rochefort meet for the first time; the encounter is tense and a little bit shocking, and the movie could’ve used way more moments like this (especially since Rochefort never does anything quite that underhanded again). And even with the understanding that in the end, The Three Musketeers is ultimately D’Artagnan’s story, Porthos and Aramis really have very little to do. And letting Ray Stevenson go to waste is a terrible thing indeed.

Luke Evans in The Three Musketeers. Photo by Rolf Konow, SMPSP – © 2011 Constantin Film Produktion GmbH, NEF Productions, S.A.S., and New Legacy Film Ltd. All rights reserved.

Overall, The Three Musketeers is pretty much what you’d expect from Paul W.S. Anderson…a hokey, over-the-top explosion-fest with no substance, silly comedy and acting from people who can do better, and a plot that exists solely for the purpose of having a grand finale where two airships blow the crap out of each other. While it is visually beautiful and has a handful of nice sequences, it’s not enough to rate it any higher than a guilty pleasure to rent over a long weekend. If you really need to see Milla Jovovich do her action stuff, there’s always Resident Evil and its endless sequels.

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Seth Paul

When not failing to write novels and screenplays, box-office guru Seth writes humorous comedy tracks for films under the name "The One Man Band" that can be found at Rifftrax.com. Although, he has recently succeeded in writing the novella "Jack Alan and the Case of the Not-Exactly Rocket Scientists," available as an eBook on Amazon. He is also the English voice of Zak in "Zak McKracken: Between Time and Space."
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